How to Grow Catnip on a Windowsill Without Losing the Windowsill

Growing catnip at home is simple. Keeping it is another matter. Our gardening team has spent years studying this problem, and the findings are published here for the benefit of the public and for the personal embarrassment of Herbert.

Step one: choose a pot

Select a heavy pot. Select the heaviest pot you can lift. A light pot is a toy, and a toy will end up in the hallway. A heavy ceramic pot with a wide base communicates seriousness. Cats respect seriousness, briefly.

Step two: plant the seeds

Scatter the seeds on moist soil and press them in gently. Cover with a thin layer of compost. Water lightly. The seeds will germinate in about two weeks. A cat will discover the soil in about two minutes. The soil will become a bed, and the seeds will become a memory.

Step three: defend the pot

There are several accepted methods of defence:

• A mesh cover over the soil, which cats will lie on
• A ring of pine cones around the base, which cats will move one at a time
• A decoy plant placed across the room, which cats will ignore out of principle
• A locked cupboard, which is the only method our team has seen work, and which defeats the point of a windowsill

Step four: harvest

Pick leaves when the plant is about thirty centimetres tall. Hang them upside down in a dry place to dry. Store the dried leaves in an airtight jar. The airtight part is the key. Cats can smell an open jar through three walls and a closed door, and will arrive with an expression of sudden business.

A word from the garden team

Our head gardener, a quiet cat named Hyssop, notes that the best catnip is grown by someone who has accepted the loss in advance. ‘You plant ten,’ she says. ‘You keep two. The other eight are in the cat.’ This approach has served the Apothecary well, and it has made our balance sheet unusually philosophical.

Troubleshooting

If your plant looks flattened, a cat has been on it. If your plant looks chewed, a cat has been in it. If your plant looks perfect and thriving, you do not have a cat, and we are sorry for your quiet house.

Visit the shop for our Windowsill Herb Garden Kit, which includes a pot, seeds, soil and a small laminated apology addressed to the plant. Shipping is free for orders over the price of a medium sized sofa.