Our product team believes in evidence. For thirty days we followed a single household and a single jar of Bath Salts, Cat Declines, to see exactly how the product performs in the field. The results are presented here with only minor weeping.
Day one
The household, whom we shall call The Hendersons, bought the jar on a Saturday. They placed it on the edge of the bath. The cat, a stern grey named Duchess, inspected it from the doorway and walked away. This was recorded as a decline, in keeping with the product name.
Days two to ten
The jar remained on the bath. Duchess declined to enter the bathroom. Mr Henderson used the salts twice and reported a pleasant, floral experience. Duchess sat outside the door the whole time, making a low noise that the Hendersons described as ‘commentary’.
Days eleven to twenty
A breakthrough. On day eleven the jar fell into the bath. We cannot say how. Duchess was seen leaving the room moments before, wearing an air of invention. The salts dissolved. The household discovered that a bath full of salts is a bath that has been judged.
Days twenty one to thirty
- Duchess sat on the bath edge for three days, watching
- Mrs Henderson declared the bath ‘haunted’
- The jar was replaced, and fell in again
- A second jar was purchased, and went into the kitchen cupboard for safety
Findings
The Bath Salts, Cat Declines, achieved the following outcomes:
- Customer satisfaction: high among humans
- Cat satisfaction: not applicable, as the cat was not asked
- Bath water level: lower, because of the cat
- Dignity: not measured
Recommendations
We recommend that future versions of the product be shipped with a small bath mat sized for a cat to stand on and disapprove. We also recommend a stronger lid. The Hendersons have been offered a discount on a replacement, and a gentle apology for the phrase ‘haunted bath’, which has already appeared in a local newsletter.
Duchess has requested the final word. She was not able to give it, as she was asleep in the empty jar.
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