Customer Letter of the Month: ‘I Bought One Jar and Now I Live Here’

Each month the Apothecary publishes one letter from a customer. This month’s letter was delivered by hand, in the sense that it was dragged through the cat flap and left on the counter, slightly damp. We reproduce it below with only minor corrections.

Dear Catnip Apothecary, I bought one jar of your Loose Leaf Reserve in March. I was meant to take it home. Instead I sat on your doorstep and have been there since. I have a bowl. A kind woman from the bakery brings me toast. I am writing to ask whether this is normal. Yours sincerely, Mr Pickles (age 6, tabby, formerly of Number 14).

Our reply

Dear Mr Pickles,

Thank you for your letter and for your loyal custom. We are pleased to confirm that your experience is within the expected range. Many customers report a strong attachment to the premises. A few have become part of the furniture, and one is now officially listed as a display.

Your question about whether this is normal deserves a careful answer. In our records, it is normal for the first four months. After the fifth month the Apothecary starts to issue a customer with a small brass name plate. We have ordered one for you. It will say Pickles. It will be attached to the doorstep, and we hope you will regard this as an honour.

A few practical notes

• The bakery woman is welcome to continue her toast service. Please ensure the toast does not contain onion.
• Our opening hours are posted on the door. You are welcome to sit on the door during them.
• Please do not sit in front of the delivery entrance. The courier has filed a statement.
• If you find that you are unable to leave, we can offer a discounted Stay Pass, valid indefinitely.

From the owner

Dr Mortimer Whiskerton added a personal note in the margin of the reply. ‘A customer who stays is a customer who has understood us,’ he wrote. ‘I once stayed for six weeks myself, and it was the best decision of my career.’ He has since asked that we stop quoting him on matters of customer retention.

Mr Pickles has written back to say that he is delighted with the reply and intends to remain. He has requested a second jar. We have refused, on the grounds that he is already holding one, and that it has been open since March.

If you would like your letter published, please write to us. Letters are chosen at random, by Herbert, who walks on them.